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Discussing Fantasy
Seductive Surprises - 5 min read • Jan 26, 2021
Why discussing our sexual fantasies can be uncomfortable, yet so important....
Well for starters, discussing sexual fantasy is not something we've ever been taught is normal or okay. No one sits down with you, and educates you on arousal or assures you that the sexual thoughts you have are a basic part of being human. There is a slim chance, this is a chat your parents had with you, and if they did, kudos to them! Sexual fantasy is not something that's taught in a traditional school system, so where do we learn?
As we enter into our adolescence, teen years and even adulthood, we develop our own sexual fantasies through what we are exposed to. We watch movies and television, we have conversations with friends and yes a lot of us watch pornography. You may feel a sense of intrigue during these things or something stronger, arousal. Our senses are awakened and, in turn create a sexual response. Perhaps it's the sight of a steamy love scene in a movie, the smell of a mans cologne or the way his fingers trace your spine while he holds you. Maybe it's the sound of someone moaning in pleasure or the taste of his lips on yours. Whatever the ingredients are for you, it's your recipe for arousal. Arousal is where it starts and is the roadmap to your own sexual fantasies.
The interesting thing about fantasies, and what many people find challenging when discussing them, is that our sexual fantasies don't usually align with our morals and values. This can be confusing and complicated for a lot of people. For example, many couples today are in monogamous relationships. They expect loyalty, honesty and trust from their partner. However, the most common sexual fantasy is multiple partner sex. This can range from threesomes, gang bangs, swingers and everything in between. For many people, it can be confusing to navigate. How can the thought of this happening in REAL life make one feel anxious, sad and scared. Yet, in a sexual fantasy it's hot, and kinky and intriguing.
Sexual fantasy, is exactly that, a FANTASY. It doesn't always mean that you have the desire to act this out in real time, yet it is something that you find arousing, and guess what? That is okay, and perfectly normal! There are plenty of techniques and fun things you can do, to bring aspects of your fantasy into the bedroom, without actually partaking in it. The illusion you create, can be just as satisfying and fulfilling.
An important part of the fantasy world, is developing the understanding that sexual fantasies don't define you as a person. They don't define you as a partner, and they don't speak to the love or respect you have for your partner. Fantasies are a way to get outside of your head, to play, and to experience something new. They allow the opportunity to cultivate your desires and to achieve a sense of sexual fulfillment. Discussing your fantasies with your partner can be vital to the success of a relationship. It encourages trust, open communication, vulnerability and honesty. The communication piece and the mutual understanding of boundaries, are the healthy starting point in exploring your fantasies.
Some couples, and individuals may choose to bring their fantasies to life and that's great too! That is the decision of the couple. If this is route you choose to take in your relationship, ensuring that all decisions are made together and utilizing open communication are going to be the key in navigating this successfully. Whatever the decision that's best for you and your partner is what matters the most. Remember, consensual experiences are the healthy and natural way to explore these things. You cannot force someone to partake in a fantasy, or push your fantasy onto another person if they aren't aroused by the idea. All parties involved must be aware and comfortable with the potential outcomes. Regardless of the path you choose to take in your sexual experiences, it needs to start with the discussion.
Your sexual fantasies can and will change over time. As we go through life, chances are you'll feel desire towards something that has never interested you in that past, this is okay and perfectly normal! As humans, we are sexual beings. Our needs and desires may change in the bedroom as we transition through the phases of our lives. Regardless of where you are today, or where you are in your relationship, sharing your fantasies allows you to be deep with a partner. It creates insight into an aspect of yourself you may have never shared with another before. You may even discover you have the same fantasies! My advice, is to let the shame go, let the fear go and let the open communication flow. Give yourself the freedom to explore fantasy with your partner, and open yourself up to endless possibilities that sex has to offer.
Check out our "exploring fantasy & desire" workshop for an in-depth look at fantasy, including tools you can bring home to your partner, designed to ease these conversations and introduce fantasy in a fun and playful way.
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